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TOGETHER MA Y – JUNE 2022
TOGETHER MAY – JUNE 2022

Which of your books has given you the
most struggle in the writing process? Review of The 5
All my writing grows from my counselling so I Apology Languages
have all the illustrations in my mind. It’s not a
struggle. But I did need to learn how to write with The introduction to The 5 Apology Languages
a co-author. I wrote The 5 Love Languages of is unequivocal: we all define the word MEET THE AUTHOR BOOK FEATURE
Children with Dr Ross Campbell, a Christian and ‘apology’ differently. You may think you’ve
clinical psychiatrist. He wrote a rough draft, and I apologised to your spouse, your office
wrote a rough draft which we sent to the editor to colleague, or a fellow church member. They
put them together. Then I thought, why has that may not think you’ve apologised at all.
bit I wrote been left out?! It wasn’t adversarial, The 5 Apology Languages is a revised,
but the next time I worked with a co-author he updated version of the 2006 The Five
wrote the rough draft and I added or subtracted. Languages of Apology and 2013’s When
That was a much better way.
Sorry Isn’t Enough. Dr Gary Chapman with his
Your vision to train national leaders in co-author, psychologist Dr Jennifer Thomas,
Nigeria could not materialise because has adapted the original materials for this new
of your wife’s illness. How do you look and absorbing exploration of apology and
back on this? For ages, that question went forgiveness. Part of a hugely successful series
unanswered. But many years later we were kick-started by the New York Times bestseller
opening a box of books translated for another The 5 Love Languages , this new book has
®
country and my wife started crying. ‘I’m not much to add.
sad,’ she said. ‘I’m just remembering that we
wanted to be missionaries.’ It was an ‘aha’ One appealing and reassuring feature
moment for both of us. We realised that it all throughout is the case studies, particularly ISBN 9780802428691/Northfield/Gary Chapman
made sense. (Dr Chapman’s books have been of couples. As Dr Thomas points out, & Jennifer Thomas/PB/176 pp/£12.99
translated into fifty languages.) research reveals that seventy-five per cent
of couples use different apology languages. a recurrence.’ This chapter explains how
Regarding ‘The 5 Apology Languages’, No wonder there are problems. to implement such change via clear and
how do you feel these principles could be achievable goals. We may fail but we should
applied in churches? You don’t have to be The book’s first chapter draws on Dr keep trying.
perfect to have good relationships but you do Chapman’s anthropological expertise. He
have to deal with failure. In the church, there explains our innate desire for justice and The fifth apology language is requesting
will always be times, whatever our role, that we reconciliation. However, one person’s apology is forgiveness: ‘Can you find it in your heart
will say painful things which hurt others. We’re another’s insincerity. So, the next five chapters to …?’ Some need to hear that request
human. A lot of splits could have been avoided examine the five apology languages in detail, before they’ll see the apology as genuine.
if we had taught this in church and practised meanwhile offering suggestions for statements Dr Chapman makes it clear, though, that
being quick to apologise and quick to forgive. with which to begin that awkward conversation. forgiveness is a choice, not a right. The other
Otherwise, we let barriers build up which cause The first apology language involves those person may need time, especially if they live
separation. It’s essential because none of us magic words, ‘I’m sorry.’ Some people need with the consequences of your actions.
is perfect.
to hear this said aloud. Without that specific, The book’s second half explores tricky
heartfelt expression (that isn’t followed by questions. What if you don’t feel like
‘but’), they doubt the authenticity. Hoping that apologising, don’t think it worth the effort, or still
the person you’ve offended realises you are
ISBN 9780802413147/ sorry isn’t enough. don’t think the offence was your fault? What if
Northfield/ it doesn’t feel ‘natural’ to use another person’s
Gary Chapman/PB/ Others like to see the apologiser accepting preferred apology language? Also, is it possible
224 pp/£12.99 responsibility: ‘I was wrong.’ However, many to apologise too much or too quickly?
struggle to do this. Childhood experiences
can teach us that apology equals weakness The final chapters deal with forgiveness itself,
and that ‘Only losers confess.’ We resort including helpful definitions. But forgiving isn’t
to doubtful apologies such as that evasive easy and this is acknowledged. What if you
linguistic construction, ‘I am sorry that you need more time before you can forgive? What
were offended.’ if you’ve lost your trust in the other person?
ISBN 9780802412706/ How do you mend long-standing, bitter
Northfield/ The third of the apology languages is making disputes within families? What if the person
Gary Chapman/PB/ restitution. We can ask: ‘How can I make you can’t forgive is yourself?
240 pp/£12.99 it right?’ It’s tangible reassurance that
someone is truly sorry when real steps are The book ends with an ‘Apology Language
taken to repair what was broken. The five Profile’, a self-test quiz that will ‘diagnose’
love languages can help, and Dr Chapman your own apology language(s).
reminds us of these: words of affirmation, acts
Fran Hill is an English teacher and freelance of service, receiving gifts, quality time and Apologies and forgiveness can’t remove
writer and regularly runs writing workshops. physical touch. consequences, painful emotions, or memories.
She is the author of, Miss, What Does This book makes that abundantly clear. But
Incomprehensible Mean? Published by SPCK. Making positive plans to change is another it can offer a way ahead, past stalemate and
For more information visit www.franhill.co.uk apology language: ‘I’ll take steps to prevent hurt that paralyses relationships.
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